Thursday, October 07, 2004

Friend or Foe?

WARNING - It's long!!!

So I have a friend from high school (will call her A) that I haven't talked to since 1997. She called out of the blue about a month ago. I was just getting home from WalMart on a Friday night and the phone rang. My husband was at the ballgame and my mom was with me so I checked called id to see who it was because I didn't know who would be calling. And it was A, her name was on my caller id. I let it go through to voice mail. So I called her back on Sunday.

The conversation was going well. She said the reason she called was because she was at a wedding shower for a friend. This friend had several friends from grade school there. The friends stayed in touch over the years and still got together. I was A's maid of honor, the only person to stand up with her at her wedding, and she got to thinking about me. That's what prompted the phone call. So we were catching up and I was going to have to go because J-Dog was throwing a huge fit and Slammer could not get him calmed down. Then came the point in the conversation that I can't let go. She said that she didn't even remember why we quit talking. I said me, either and though that would be the end of it. But then she said, "well B (her husband, we'll call him B) remembers. He always remembers when people treat me badly." Which implies I was the reason we quit talking and was mean to her. At that point, I said I had to go.

We exchanged emails and we were going to meet up at a local fall festival a couple of weeks back, but it rained so I didn't venture out with the kids. So I called her on the Sunday after the festival and we decided to go to some kid place near her house. We just need to find a good weekend and then we would get back with each other. I have not called back or sent an email since then. I am going to, I just don't know what to say in the email because I am really torn about striking up a friendship again.

High School - A and I became friends in high school. We did a lot of things together, especially on Saturday night because her boyfriend worked on Friday nights. So she would spend Friday night with her BF and me on Saturday night. This was perfect for her until I got a boyfriend. And my boyfriend worked a varying schedule each week. And some Saturday nights we would want to do something so I couldn't spend the time with A. A didn't like this. Being the control freak that she is, made me feel like I was being a bad friend because I would not make Friday night my date night too and we could still keep our Saturday nights. I thought this was completely selfish. And I did not like being made to feel like I was betraying our friendship, when I was just telling her that we would have to work around Saturday nights. Meaning we could do things on other nights and oh, if I was really important as a friend, she could re-arrange her schedule too and not have to see her BF EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT!! (Wow, after all this time I am still a bit bitter. Bad thing about us women, we remember everything and it is hard to let go sometimes. At least for me....) At this time I was not very confrontational, and she was a complete control freak (and in debate). So I felt that I would not get my point across because she would manipulate me into saying I was sorry or something. So I wrote a letter and left it at her house for her. I told her all of this stuff and that I did not want to be friends with someone who wanted to control my life. She called me crying and telling me she still wanted to be friends. I don't remember the specifics of this conversation. But we stayed friends and I saw my BF when I wanted to.

College - I went to the same college as A's boyfriend C (new guy, I also went to HS with C and had a class with him, which was used to A's benefit while I was in HS). We lived very close to each other but rarely saw each other. He was a baseball player and I was a sorority girl (yeah, I was, I wasn't going to be a sorority girl, but that is a story for another time). The only time I saw him was when A was in town. I drove C to the city to buy A an engagement ring. So at the time C and I were talking some. A got jealous and accused C of having an affair with me!! C told me this and I never confronted A about it. I just decided that she really wasn't a true friend. I was her maid of honor and we did stay in contact. (I had to wear a pale pink, 80's type maid of honor dress - I will take a picture of it and post it if I can find it - NICE!!)

Post College (The Incident that caused us not to talk) - She went onto Law school and I moved away right after college. Again stayed in contact but we really weren't all that close. I visited her once that I can think of from the end of High School to Post College. For her graduation, I was in town and had told her I would attend her graduation. It was on a Sunday and I had a 3 hour drive home. They came out to meet me at a shopping center. (This meeting point was not out of their way) In the mean time I decided I did not want to go. Should have told her this up front but I am a wimpy person sometimes. So I bailed out when they called. I told them I didn't feel well and I really needed to get back home. Which I did. I had just started seeing Slammer and wanted to get back to see him. I didn't feel too bad because everything had always been about her. And I wanted to see my new BF (and future hubby) So I am sure that pissed her off and I never heard from her again. I know the phone works both ways and I didn't call her either. So that is the bad way that I treated her and C remembers!

Here is my opinion. If you are still mad about that or have a problem with how I did something 7 years ago, why call me now. If it were me, I would just let it be water under the bridge if I wanted to renew a friendship. So the comment she made on the phone call bugs me and I probably should mention it to her when I call her about meeting her. I kind of feel like I am being tested and if I pass then we can be friends, otherwise she will just know that I was the mean bad person she had written me off as. Slammer just wants me to tell her to take a hike. He does not want to spend time with them at all. The get together was going to be a family affair. So I either just forget the comment and try renewing the friendship, or I tell her my issue and try renewing the friendship. Again, I am kind of wimpy when it comes to standing up for myself. I take the easy way out a lot, the non-confrontational way. So when I do contact her I will probably do it by email. But that could break one of my life rules that my mom taught me, which is to never write down anything you wouldn't want anyone else to read. I wouldn't care what I write down, but she could then send it to all of her friends to read and stuff like that. And sometimes things come across more harsh than meant. So I don't know what to do. I am going to make some decision by the weekend and contact her by Sunday. That is my goal!

Whew! If you read all of that, thanks!! Hope it wasn't too boring. Not sure I would even read all of that!!


Blogger wendy said...

This summer I caught up with a friend I hadn't seen for 10 years. She stopped talking to me because of the guy she married. He didn't like me. She blew off our friendship and I was destroyed. A couple of years ago she contacted me by email and apologized for what had happened. I had missed her friendship and was willing to put it to the past. She and I emailed each other off and on over the next couple years. Last summer I was going to be in the city where she lived so she and I got together for dinner. It went well. We reminiced, we laughed, we compared lives and we parted. Neither one of us was the same as we had been. We did not connect the way we once did. I emailed her a "it was great seeing you" note and she replied with a "you too, we'll have to do it again sometime" note. Of course we won't, we don't have anything in common anymore. Our lives are very different.

The moral of the story: Don't make it a family get together. Get together for coffee or lunch. Talk about your lives. You may discover, as I did, that you have both changed, and while it was fun to get together, you aren't going to be best friends. You can then just let it fade away.

9:13 PM  
Blogger serenerachel said...

Wendy, you make some good points. I think we have grown apart to the point of not being in each other's lives, except for maybe a yearly Christmas card. Truly, I think this happened while we were both in college. I think I will let her know things have been busy, which they are this month and that maybe the two of us could get together for lunch or dinner and go from there.

And as I think about it. I had another friend in HS who stopped being my friend becasue another friend of hers did not like me (man chicks are evil) and she eventually apologized and even tried rooming together in college. But we realized we were leading different lives, plus I am not sure the trust could be there again. We will occasionally see each other out (we live in the same city now) and we will say hi and exchange pleasantries and that is about it.

Thanks for the advice!

6:06 PM  
Blogger ShadowAngel said...

You know what? I think A. is just being human. She probably does want to spend time with you and be your friend. She probably has intellectually let go of old hurts, but emotionally it can be extremely difficult to do, even after all this time.

Maybe it was like this running thorugh her head: don't say something mean, don't say something mean, don't say something mean...Damn, I said something mean!

One of my biggest regrets is that I have allowed people that I was friends with to slip out of my life. You've got a chance here to renew a friendship. What's the worst that happens? You don't click and decide not to continue with it? Big deal. The potential rewards are worth far more than the potential risks.

7:53 AM  

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